there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
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2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
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Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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