i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't deserve a penis
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
