sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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