Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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