Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
