At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
