The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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