Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
