thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
