She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
