Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Randomize
