This is not my ceiling
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
