if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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