and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
