Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
