I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i drank out of a bidet.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
