just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
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Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
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Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10