I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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