if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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