We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
