I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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