I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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