My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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