rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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