My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
