i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
