Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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