Fine. I'll sleep in my office
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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