Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
