NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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