I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
