I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
even my farts smell like vagina
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
