Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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