I wish I could teleport
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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