Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
