woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
