I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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