listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
