4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
