Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
