the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
