yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
