We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
