i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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