Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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