I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
