The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
