as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
