im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
