I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
