I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
