Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
