somebody snuck up and got me drunk
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
