DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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