You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
