we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
